I have had two major breakups in my life. The first from my teenage sweetheart, the second to my ex-husband.
Both times I resisted and ignored the problems in the relationships hoping they would go away. Both times, the problems kept coming up. Each time with more vengeance.
I am now married to my best friend and we have a strong and healthy relationship. We have had our ups and downs to get to this point as we continue to grow and learn.
Five years ago we reached a critical point in our relationship. We came to a crossroad and it looked as if we would take separate paths. In my previous relationships, when at this point, I resisted the change and pretended nothing was happening. This time I embraced it and stopped trying to change what was outside of my control.
Let me take a step back to the beginning. I was recovering from depression when I met Izzy (my husband). Our connection was deep and instant. We were at a noisy party full of people, yet that first time we talked, everyone around us seemed to disappear. It felt like we had known each other an eternity.
Izzy worked away a month at a time so we spent the first six months getting to know each other as friends. We became very close. He was my best friend and his ‘no strings attached’ love pulled me through the last remnants of depression. I found pleasure and purpose in life again.
With a strong foundation as best friends, we started a committed relationship. We bought a house together and turned it into a home – a place where we belonged and felt safe and secure.
During the first few years of our relationship we often talked about our long-term future. We both didn’t want marriage or children. We were happy to keep things as they were. I had no desire to marry again and couldn’t imagine having children – I had too much work to do on myself.
Three and a half years into our relationship we found ourselves in troubled water. I was 33 years old and literally overnight my maternal desires ignited. I wanted children and my biological clock was ticking – loudly! Izzy already had a son and was adamant that he didn’t want any more children. We talked about it at length but there is no middle ground with starting a family. You either have children or you don’t.
The only person I wanted children with was Izzy. But if I stayed with him and we remained childless, I would resent him forever. At the same time, I didn’t want to force him into having children and then resent me for it. I only wanted children with someone who was excited and passionate about starting a family with me.
We decided that the only way forward was to take separate paths. Historically I would have fought tooth and nail to keep our relationship together, doing anything to convince Izzy to start a family. Intuitively I knew that pushing my agenda would create enormous conflict and drive a wedge between Izzy and I. We still loved each other, and had our foundation of friendship to nurture. We decided to move on as best friends.
“WHATEVER YOU FIGHT YOU STRENGTHEN; AND WHAT YOU RESIST PERSISTS.”ECKHART TOLLE
It was hard at first. When I moved out of our house, I felt as if my heart was literally breaking. I was lost and working my way through a maze of emotions including confusion, anger and sadness. Izzy and I stayed in contact but after a short while I started to distance myself. I needed space to heal my heart before continuing with our friendship. I was mourning the end of a relationship with the love of my life.
Once the darkness lifted, something inside me clicked and I started embracing life whole heatedly. I was writing again and joined a creative writing group. I completed a course in metaphysics to deepen my understanding of spiritual principles. I easily lost 10 kilograms by enjoying healthy food and exercise. I spoilt myself with things such as getting my nails done, going to lunch or reading a book in the winter sun. I accepted every social invitation I received and made more friends and connections.
I stopped trying to control the future and mould it into something I thought I wanted. Instead I focused on embracing each moment whole heatedly. With this attitude, a massive weight lifted from my shoulders. Life was less serious and I was having fun!
An amazing thing happened. The more I focused on nurturing myself, the more vibrant I became, and the more Izzy wanted to be around me. We started hanging out as friends, catching up for lunches, dinners, drinks and even a weekend away together to see mutual friends. Without the pressure of planning a future together we found ourselves having fun. Our love and appreciation of each other deepened.
One night I received this message from Izzy:
“Kate, I love every part of you! And I am a fool to think I could ever find anyone that could come close to being as perfect as you. I wish for our hearts to beat as one again, but without any doubt or reluctance. I don’t want to change the course you are on but I wish to grow and be part of it in every positive way. I’m writing this to you because it doesn’t need a quick response, nor should it be. I will ask you a question when I see you next, and I hope by sending this message, it gives you enough time to think about us and what you want and need for yourself. All My love, Izzy. PS – Just so you know, I am talking the real deal no holds barred, meaning I will give you what you really want………….”message from my husband
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Izzy had never sent me a love note before, he is more of a talker than a writer. Those words totally rocked my world for the better. He wanted to see me happy and give me children. By letting go, the universe bought me back what I wanted.
If I had fought what was happening, Izzy and I would have been in conflict and ended up resenting each other. By embracing time apart, our issues dissolved and we were bought back together.
Since then we have had two beautiful children and became husband and wife. We are still best friends and our relationship continues to grow and strengthen. He is my biggest fan and encourages me to follow my dreams. I wouldn’t be writing this blog without his encouragement and support, both emotionally and practically. We send each other mad crazy – daily! But, we love every step of our journey together – no matter what it brings!
My husband is my soul mate.
PS – The question Izzy wanted to ask me was “Will you Marry me?”